Apples and Dirges

I used to take a class that had us use New York Times headlines as "batting practice" on funny. Here's one of my many NYTBP sessions: NYT: >Near Visit’s End, Powell Dampens The Expectations Don: Also Waters Azaleas, Tiptoes Through Tulips --- >House Passes the Farm Bill, Which Bush Says He’ll Sign “I Like Playing with Pens!” shouts exuberant Chief Executive --- >Hugo Boss Says Profit Will Fall de la Renta Screams from Nearby Sitz Bath: “That’s Cradle, You Queen! Cradle!” --- >Aides Say Pope Would Resign If Unfit to Work College of Cardinals Reportedly Searching Internet for “Younger, More Nubile” Pope --- >Cuomo Calls Pataki Record a Failure Has A Good Beat, But Can't Dance To It Prefers Earlier Work With “Dexy’s Midnight Runners” --- >Weed Killer Deforms Sex Organs in Frogs, Study Finds Frogs Add "Ortho Overdose" To “Cold Water Shrinkage”, “It's Not You, It's Me” Excuses --- >Editor Arrested in Zimbabwe Over Story "Zimbabwe...

Vice Chairman of Dynamism and Celery Futures Strategic Pencil Sharpener Mekeeper Personal Desk Manager Blamist Lay Pope Rhythm Guitarist of Planning Industrial Fraidycat VP of Strategic Apologies Miss New England, 2006 Co-Scallywag Lord Mayor of Research Corporate Left Fielder Chief Misinformation Officer Captain Adequate Goodwill Ambassador Boastbuster Developmental Narcissist Company Jokesperson Wonkamanager Office Ranger Aerial Pencil Artist Regional Demigod Bringiteer Dreamcrusher Meeting Farter Revisionist Historian Blanket Statement Weaver Undersecretary of Overdelivery Snoring Head Fear Mongerer The Client Whisperer Our Little Bundle of ROI Agent of Complacency Trageterian Corporate Irritant Tactical Bonehead Hung-Over Barista Haranguer Inefficiency Expert Curator of Outdated Documents Executive Director of Undercoating Balloon Animal Preservationist Corporate Curiosity Overreaction Coordinator Bi-Polar Creative Director Insolent Suck-Up Quota Filler

The New Yorker runs a weekly cartoon with a blank, do-it-yourself caption. They narrow the submissions down to 3 finalists, which are voted upon. You can only submit one caption. I have never been chosen. Here are some from the many weeks that I've developed my list of submission ideas to choose from. Not to take anything away from any of the winners, but I think that I have some that are worthy. History, you're up - judge!