Apples and Dirges

I used to take a class that had us use New York Times headlines as "batting practice" on funny. Here's one of my many NYTBP sessions: NYT: >Near Visit’s End, Powell Dampens The Expectations Don: Also Waters Azaleas, Tiptoes Through Tulips --- >House Passes the Farm Bill, Which Bush Says He’ll Sign “I Like Playing with Pens!” shouts exuberant Chief Executive --- >Hugo Boss Says Profit Will Fall de la Renta Screams from Nearby Sitz Bath: “That’s Cradle, You Queen! Cradle!” --- >Aides Say Pope Would Resign If Unfit to Work College of Cardinals Reportedly Searching Internet for “Younger, More Nubile” Pope --- >Cuomo Calls Pataki Record a Failure Has A Good Beat, But Can't Dance To It Prefers Earlier Work With “Dexy’s Midnight Runners” --- >Weed Killer Deforms Sex Organs in Frogs, Study Finds Frogs Add "Ortho Overdose" To “Cold Water Shrinkage”, “It's Not You, It's Me” Excuses --- >Editor Arrested in Zimbabwe Over Story "Zimbabwe...

Vice Chairman of Dynamism and Celery Futures Strategic Pencil Sharpener Mekeeper Personal Desk Manager Blamist Lay Pope Rhythm Guitarist of Planning Industrial Fraidycat VP of Strategic Apologies Miss New England, 2006 Co-Scallywag Lord Mayor of Research Corporate Left Fielder Chief Misinformation Officer Captain Adequate Goodwill Ambassador Boastbuster Developmental Narcissist Company Jokesperson Wonkamanager Office Ranger Aerial Pencil Artist Regional Demigod Bringiteer Dreamcrusher Meeting Farter Revisionist Historian Blanket Statement Weaver Undersecretary of Overdelivery Snoring Head Fear Mongerer The Client Whisperer Our Little Bundle of ROI Agent of Complacency Trageterian Corporate Irritant Tactical Bonehead Hung-Over Barista Haranguer Inefficiency Expert Curator of Outdated Documents Executive Director of Undercoating Balloon Animal Preservationist Corporate Curiosity Overreaction Coordinator Bi-Polar Creative Director Insolent Suck-Up Quota Filler

The New Yorker runs a weekly cartoon with a blank, do-it-yourself caption. They narrow the submissions down to 3 finalists, which are voted upon. You can only submit one caption. I have never been chosen. Here are some from the many weeks that I've developed my list of submission ideas to choose from. Not to take anything away from any of the winners, but I think that I have some that are worthy. History, you're up - judge!

Feb 27, 2006 New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest #39 Next time, the Man of Steel wears dockers. What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. Since when is there hazing for the Mile High Club? The last thing they heard me say was “Hulk smash!” – then I woke up in Seattle. You really do have to act fast to take advantage of some discount travel packages these days. …name’s Lancelot. British Airways never mentioned a dress code for business travelers. Never joke with Customs. You ever have that dream where you’re flying? I buy everything there and have it shipped. The exchange rate killed me. SPF 3000, why? I give seminars on efficient packing techniques. Whatever you do, don’t order the NY Strip in coach. ‘Virgin Airways’ – yeah, right… I rep for Viagra. Staying in an ‘upright and locked position’ is company policy. I find it’s just more aerodynamic. You know how hard it is to find an airline that doesn’t have a “no shirt, no shoes, no service” policy? I love Casual Flyday. The in-flight safety...

New Yorker Caption Contest #46: April 17th I suppose the rest of you didn’t get the memo. As you may have read, our negotiations with the security personnel’s union have not been going well. Therefore, I’m announcing our switch to “business casual.” I’d like to start off this meeting of “Amnesiacs Anonymous” by saying, “Who the hell are all of you?” Let me repeat – we have no hidden agenda here. Motion: “what happens in the boardroom, stays in the boardroom” - carries. Most of you don’t know that I’m also a puppeteer… Apparently, there was a typo in the memo from office services – it should say SMOKE free building. Once again, I’ll have to respectfully ask the Director of Marketing to refrain from throwing his feces. Welcome InvisiThread Investors! …and that is why we’re here to announce our brand-new line for Spring – Dispoz-E-Clothes! Simon Says: “Shake it all about!” What would’ve happened if Enron executives had just picked “Dare.” …and now, with no further ado, our new President a...

New Yorker Caption Contest #45: April 9th ….and that’s why a sugar-based nutrition program just works here in the Red Bull school district. They say that on Earth children actually walk on the floor. Remember when they used to just hang children’s artwork on the walls? I think your biological clock is making you see things, Marie. Office Services says there’s nothing they can do. They’re calling it “wallplayper”. They prefer to call themselves “gravity challenged”. I’m sorry, Mrs. Eisher, but I prefer your earlier work. I thought that “Gifted and Talented” meant that they were good at math. I told you we’d be infested when they moved from the “Larvae” to “Pupil” stage… I don’t understand this – there IS no woodwork! It’s still dark in this hallway – we need some more of their “best and brightest”. I don’t think MJ expected THIS when she married Spider Man. Kids never climbed the walls like THIS in my day. I blame Upsy-Daisy, that new tie-dye Teletubby. Nobody said that genetic engineer...

New Yorker Caption Contest #44: April 3rd Yes, but he saved an entire platoon of imaginary paratroopers in the first Gulf War… I don’t know about you, but I don’t think the U.N. is taking their role as peacekeepers here seriously. Colonel Marceau, the men are waiting for the “go”… Did the director change this scene? I’m starting to think Corporal Marceau misunderstood the phrase “Act of War”. I liked it better when the French were staying out of it. If only we had someone who could climb an invisible rope, we could get out of this mess. Sergeant, it’s time to begin operation “Silent but Deadly.” So THIS is how they embed the closed-captioning reporters. I REALLY thought it meant “Military Invasion, Multinational Effort”. I can’t put my finger on it, but I think there’s a spy around. Just pretend to be all you can be, Jenkins.

New Yorker Caption Contest #41: March 13th The Lord works in a mysterious haze. What would Jesus drink? (or, What would Jesus spew?) Belly up to the altar, Margaret. God always orders a light beer. He must be a Lighter-Day Saint. Let me introduce you to the wages of gin. Well, they HAD to do something about getting people back to church for St. Patrick’s Day. I guess the AA meeting is in the other St. Anne’s. Let’s try the place down the street. This just isn’t God-forsaken enough for me. Don’t worry – God is your bartender. All they’re doing here is pouring to the choir.

New Yorker Caption Contest #40: March 6th I would’ve been better off with the lousy t-shirt. You might have been shaken, but I definitely wasn’t stirred. And I thought the service made a mistake when they said they were sending over a snow-up doll. Frosty had to be inventive if he was going to avoid the wet spot. Jessica took a hard line on secondhand snow. Kathleen always did put Frosty inside a pedestal. Sorry about the “let it snow, let it snow, let it snow” thing… My other souvenirs just don’t understand my needs. I hope this isn’t just a one-night shake. And they say politics makes strange bedfellows. This is NOT how I pictured the Island of Misfit Toys. I hope you’re not upset, but my name’s really not Barbie. That was the best Winter Ball ever! Some girls love a good hot summer fling, but give me a long, hard winter anytime… I know you frown on smoking angel dust, Steve, but I just find it relaxes me.

“The New Yorker” Cartoon Caption Contest #35 January 16, 2006 I had a snaking suspicion you'd be tied up today. Mr. Bojangles, I told you not to answer the door for the Avon Lady any more. Are you gonna finish that? I don't understand either - I thought I ordered a feather boa... I guess that hissing wasn't from the steam heat after all. First, I catch you with a vampire in the bedroom. Now this? What's next? Frankenstein in the shower? I thought you wanted a snakeskin BAG... At least it's not the old 'it's not you, it's me' speech - this time, it's the snake! Albert, there's no such thing as a Mrs. Atkins diet! Wow - that really IS chunky-style snake chow, isn't it?" ...besides that, same old, same old. How about you? I told you they don't stay flushed. I don't care if Britney Spears wore one. You're not wearing that to school, young lady! Thank God! I thought you were going to ask me about the birds and the bees! Maybe ...

OK, so this is a first. Blogging. Welcome to the 21st Century, Knuckledragger.